How to Heal Your Relationship with Your Parents: Three Steps

Hello, hello! Welcome to another episode of my podcast. I'm Magda and today we are diving into a topic that I believe is absolutely fundamental. We are talking about our moms and dads and how healing our relationships with them can transform our lives. Dlaczego jest to tak ważny temat? Zauważysz, że najpierw najczęściej zajmujemy się naszą relacją z naszymi ojcami. To nie jest okazja. Jest tam dużo, dużo wiedzy. Z perspektywy systemicznej. Każda część naszego życia jest wpływana na mężczyznę, matkę, albo na mężczyznę, tatę. Więc zróbmy to.

Zależnie od tego, gdzie jesteś w Twojej podróży, ten odcinek może być dla Ciebie wyrównaniem gry. Albo przynajmniej to jest moja nadzieja. Zacznijmy więc od historii o tym, co kształtuje nasze życie. Co naprawdę oznacza, jak nasze życie się rozwija. I I like to think that the way we live our lives is influenced by two main factors. Our systemic history and our personal history. Let's dig deeper into this idea. Our systemic history. What our ancestors went through and how they lived has a huge impact on us. It shapes what we realize in our lives and how our lives look today.

Great grandparents, what happened in the far, four generations back. We first need to start with our personal pain. I sometimes I meet people who say, no I understand, I understand my parents, I understand my grandparents, I look at them with understanding. But the truth is we can look at these later generations, the generation of our parents, our grandparents, our great-grandparents with true understanding only when we look at ourselves with understanding. Because see what role and function we are put into by being full of understanding for the history and experiences of our parents, our grandparents, great grandparents, but not for our own.

Nie tylko z naszych rodziców, z którymi mamy uchwyte i uchwyte porozumienie, ale także dużo zasobów, które będą płynęły od naszych ojców. In fact, I could briefly say that access to the resources of our ancestors comes only when we have a healed and suited relationship with our parents. Because when we have a suited relationship with our parents, then we are open to accepting everything that comes from our ancestors. Another reason why it is worth suiting and healing relationships with our parents is that we heal relationships with our parents in order to get out of basic childhood entanglements with parents.

And only when we get out of the basic childhood entanglements with our parents, only then can we realize our own adult life. Many of us, and I will talk about it in a moment, but many, many of us function in a relationship with our parents. And I'm speaking from the level of adults now. We adults function in a relationship with our parents from the level of a small heart child. Many of us function in our relationship with our parents in huge dependencies and in huge entanglements. Do you think that you are free to go out into your life?

Because I tell a simple metaphor on this topic. If I am entangled, if I am in dependence, if I am in a wound with my parent all the time, then I am more than turn it away, turn it away from my life, turn it and turn it towards my parents, thus simply turning my back to my life. So this is another reason why we want to heal and suit our relationship with our parents because we want to get out of the basic childhood entanglements, dependencies, roles, functions so that we can finally Turn our faces.

Parenting or your relationship as a parent with your children. These are two spaces that for sure will suffer sooner or later because of your untouched past because it shows how you are in giving, how you are in giving love to your children. Kepisia. Kepisia. Your children will suffer. Your family that you create will also suffer if you are in emotional dependencies on your parents.

Well, because we don't want to think about this past. Because this past doesn't matter as we often say. How to Heal Your Relationship with Your Parents? Kepisia. Kepisia.

I allow myself to experience it and live to see it. First I call it that and then I allow myself to experience it and live to see it. And this is really work not only from the cognitive level but from the level of experience because we need to. We need to experience these emotions from the past. To experience these emotions from the past to life. I would like to present to you the next steps in healing the relationship with our parents. That is we have named experiences and wounds. We have permission to experience and live all the emotions that we couldn't experience authentically there and then.

Always. In any case, this next point, as I said, will be first of all naming the roles and functions and what I functioned and functioned during this childhood. Maybe I have developed the function of a lifeguard, a rescuer, a judge, a mediator, a parent. Always responsible. Always responsible. Or maybe I have educated and developed the function of a partner of one of the guardians. Or maybe the one that will always please. What roles, what functions have I developed and developed because this will be the roles and functions that you need to be attentive to.

Identity, right? So I'm mindful and attentive all the time to my mechanism, which sometimes quite naturally want to turn me into dysfunction and they want to turn me into non-functionality for me. For example, they want to turn me into the role of a rescuer or lifeguard, confident. Or maybe, or they want to turn me into the role one who takes responsibility for how mom or dad feels. Or maybe I want to twist my natural mechanism from the family home into the one who makes sure that things are good between my parents.

Where did they come from? From what their own pain and from their own entanglements? I can see it because as an adult, as an adult I can already see widely, I can see wider. And in this vision of mom, dad, their past, I also don't try to change it anymore. I bow to their way. I respect their way. But I also respect what they don't want or don't have the strength to change and I agree that I will not change it for them.

And that sounds like an absurd and nonsense. So the fact that your parent is not physically close to you Kepisia. Kepisia. Kepisia. A signal that you need to stop and work on the past. Because if you had to cut yourself off from a parent, it means that this relationship has probably been very, very difficult for many years.

I now if someone treats us in a difficult way... Najczęściej wskazujemy na to, żeby załatwić po raz pierwszy. Żeby załatwić siebie. Być może, żeby załatwić się po raz pierwszy. Mówię, że skończąc siebie z nadzieją, że jeśli skończę się z tym człowiekiem, który mnie tak traktuje, to nigdy nie będę tak się traktował. This is a childish hope, because you may face similar treatment in a different situation, especially if you haven't healed the dynamics that were in that relationship, from which you cut yourself off.

You may face similar treatment and the question is what will you do then? Then you will cut yourself off too and then you will cut yourself off too and then again the same you will cut yourself off too. There is no shortage of people who have cut themselves off in their lives. From a dozen different relationships. From a dozen different people and who keep repeating that this is a problem with these people. The question still remains. Why do I keep coming across such people? What is about me that my puzzle fits into their puzzle?

Or since childhood we have functioned with our parent as Confident and we still keep secrets and listen to all the intimate private matters of mom or dad. This is entanglement, that is, it is a kind of looping in a role and function that began a long, long time ago when we were children. And now the question is how do we develop a function and a role in childhood? I will now create a side treat to tell you a few sentences about how we develop our role and function as children. My, jako dzieci, i pewnie już o tym wiecie, bo już o tym mówiłam tutaj wiele razy.

This is a simple thought. If my mother is well, if my mother is safe, if my mother is in a good state and mood, it means that I will be fine. It means that I am safe. If my mother is doing badly, she is a treat to me. If my mother is bad, then I'm in a danger. The way our mother takes care of us, what gestures and touches she has towards us, whether she sees us, loves us, accepts us or gives us belonging, this creates our sense of value because it can be said that our sense of value is created through the object of attachment.

There must be something wrong with me. I będę używała metafory, którą często dzielę. Gdybym miała figurki, to włożyłabym je tutaj. Ale ponieważ nie mam ich, a niektórzy z Was je słuchają i nie oglądają, to proszę, wyobraźcie sobie to zdjęcie. Jest mama i jest... A little child, a mother holds a little baby in her arms and instead of looking at this tiny child, the mother looks to the side, so she is not able to reflect. As in a mirror, the little one, his value, his importance, his belonging, she looks to the side, so metaphorically speaking, she looks at the hardship.

Maybe she looks at some of her trauma, maybe at some of her own childhood trauma, at some pain, at some grief, at some disappointment. She's not able to be in tune and in love and in seeing her child, because she's looking into something bigger for her, into something difficult. Then in such a child, in us, If this was our story, two concepts developed. Let's call it that. First of all, we developed a function in ourselves so that our mother can see us. In other words, in this non-verbal field, we ask ourselves, as these kids, what I have to do and who I have to be for my mother to look at me.

There are many stories that repeat themselves. For example, a woman got a divorce because she knew her mother would support her. Or a man broke up with his girlfriend because he knew it would make his mother happy. As she wouldn't be, for example, alone. Więc tak, bezpośrednio nie chcemy żadnego trudnego życia, ale z tego nieoczarnego obszaru, tego gorącego kawałka godzin, tego kawałka godzin, które potrzebuje, które podejmuje i zajmuje rodzina, może nas wziąć na przykład w chorobę i nagle rodzina jest zainteresowana nas. Then our inner child reacts like hurra my mother suddenly arrives with food or finally my dad suddenly calls me asks how I feel and finally I got a divorce and suddenly my mom is with me or my dad is with me and she or he was never with me before.

And yes? And it is so deep, deep. It is such an ugly truth, isn't it? Because it is not conscious. I would like to make it very, very clear. This is not a conscious movement. It is all a subconscious movement. A movement from the level of the child's inner hunger. But another kind of resting from our parents, what we didn't get in childhood would also be to use our children. Many people. Many people have an inner option. You didn't give it to me, so at least give it to your granddaughter. You didn't give it to me, so at least give it to your grandson.

And us parents Often sent from this field and from this level for example our children to their grandparents so that grandparents would make up for the way they were. Excuse me shitty parents. This is also a kind of entanglement and this is also a non-functional dynamic between us, the adult children of our parents and our parents. Another form of entanglement would be, for example, constantly trying, constant work, constant achievement, constant success, because when I am constantly trying, constantly successful, my parents prize me. Kepisia.

I had a good home. I had a happy childhood. It's just a kind of myth. A kind of myth that we live by. This non-functionality also stands out everywhere. This is again a non-functional mode. Why? Because the functional mode in the relationship with our parents is a mode in which it is healthy and daniel. Irrationalization as well as entanglement or cutting off is not the healthiest. And now why did I describe these modes? These three modes like cut-off, entanglement, rationalization and denial. Because each of these modes allows us not to touch our own pain as long as we live in one of these three modes in our relationship with our parents.

As long as we have a chance not to touch our own pain. But there is no other way to freedom in the relationship with our parents than through the pain of the past. To be really that if you want to go through the pain, you have to go into this pain. We can also compare it to the metaphor of the forest. You have to go through this dark forest, this dark forest that you are also afraid of, because only on the other side of this forest, only after passing through this forest, there will be light on the other side. And you can't jump over your pain, you can't dig a hole under your pain.

You have to go into your pain, experience it, live to see it, crawl How to Heal Your Relationship? Kepisia. Kepisia.