How to Heal Your Relationship with Your Parents: Three Steps

Because I tell a simple metaphor on this topic. If I am entangled, if I am in dependence, if I am in a wound with my parent all the time, then I am more than turn it away, turn it away from my life, turn it and turn it towards my parents, thus simply turning my back to my life. So this is another reason why we want to heal and suit our relationship with our parents because we want to get out of the basic childhood entanglements, dependencies, roles, functions so that we can finally Turn our faces.

I told you why it is worth healing relationships with parents, why it is worth working on relationships with them. So now I will tell you what a functional relationship with parents as adults looks like. What it means to have a healed or healing relationship with your parents. So the first step to heal the relationship with our parents and these are the steps that of course are not On our agency, which means that we need to take care of it. The first such step would be to name your experiences and wounds. And this is a step that many many of us no longer take.

Well, because we don't want to think about this past. Because this past doesn't matter as we often say. How to Heal Your Relationship with Your Parents? Kepisia. Kepisia.

Why so? Well, only if someone is fit. How to Heal Your Relationship with Your Parents? Ale wiemy na pewno z naszej własnej doświadczenia i z różnych historii, że kochanie nie zawsze przechodzi w ten sposób w systemie rodzinnym. Bardzo często jest tak, że to są dzieci, które dają się swoim rodzicom. That it is the children who gave to their parents. And for example, they took on the role of guardians, in the role of comforters, in the role of parents, in the role of partners, in the role of rescuers, right?

Or since childhood we have functioned with our parent as Confident and we still keep secrets and listen to all the intimate private matters of mom or dad. This is entanglement, that is, it is a kind of looping in a role and function that began a long, long time ago when we were children. And now the question is how do we develop a function and a role in childhood? I will now create a side treat to tell you a few sentences about how we develop our role and function as children. My, jako dzieci, i pewnie już o tym wiecie, bo już o tym mówiłam tutaj wiele razy.

This is a simple thought. If my mother is well, if my mother is safe, if my mother is in a good state and mood, it means that I will be fine. It means that I am safe. If my mother is doing badly, she is a treat to me. If my mother is bad, then I'm in a danger. The way our mother takes care of us, what gestures and touches she has towards us, whether she sees us, loves us, accepts us or gives us belonging, this creates our sense of value because it can be said that our sense of value is created through the object of attachment.

I had a good home. I had a happy childhood. It's just a kind of myth. A kind of myth that we live by. This non-functionality also stands out everywhere. This is again a non-functional mode. Why? Because the functional mode in the relationship with our parents is a mode in which it is healthy and daniel. Irrationalization as well as entanglement or cutting off is not the healthiest. And now why did I describe these modes? These three modes like cut-off, entanglement, rationalization and denial. Because each of these modes allows us not to touch our own pain as long as we live in one of these three modes in our relationship with our parents.

Proces, który wzięł się w naszą matkę w zależności od swojego nieprzyjemnego bólu. A process that took place in our dad based on his own untouched, repressed pain. These are dysfunctional behaviors. This is the process that takes place in a person based on his untouched pain. Individual pain. And of course this process that took place in our parents, they had their context. Well, your mom or dad's behavior had the context of her and his own upbringing, her and his own experiences, her and his own past.

It's often the case when I'm talking to people that someone tells me that I ask my mother what her childhood was like. I ask my dad what his childhood was like. I say to my mom, Mom, I know your dad was drinking. How did you experience it? What did it look like when grandpa, for example, came home drunk? Or I know you have been beaten. Dad, I know you were beaten. Tell me what happened in your family home. And just they say that nothing happened usually. Kepisia. Kepisia. Kepisia.

I have heard from many people like she was taught to write a letter, vomit everything she had to vomit and then give the letter to her parents and tell them that after reading it she expects an apology. There are many degrees of difficulty in this letter. There are many, many degrees of difficulty. Pierwsza ciężka jest to, że kiedy przechodzimy z womitami, napisane na papierze, nasi rodzice najczęściej używają swojego mapy świata i swojego mapy rzeczywistości. Najczęściej nie wiedzą, o czym piszemy i o czym rozmawiamy. If they have not managed to touch their own healing process for years, have not been to any therapy or workshop work, then we should assume that their map is the same or similar to those 20, 30, 40 years ago.

And now when we go with vomited grievances in the letter with accusations and you didn't give them to me and you shouldn't have been and you should have been and how could you and you destroyed it and you took it away from me where was you at the time what happens right away in parents who don't have an inner consciousness built. The dam is immediately drowned. A wall is boiled. A dam is boiled. A wall is boiled. All defense mechanisms are fired and activated. And parents either completely withdraw or try to defend themselves with a form of attack.

And what will happen, my dears, if this parent apologizes to us? What will happen then? Will it flash in the sky or there will be illumination or will the sky part? What will happen then? Because most often we have very high expectations towards This word SORRY or I'M SORRY or APOLOGIZE from parents. But when it comes, even when it comes, we have such, well, nothing has changed. Because SORRY or APOLOGIZE doesn't suit your whole past with your parent. The word SORRY can be a nice addition to what you and yourself will work out.

But it is not mandatory for your healing process to move forward. Many of us make our healing process dependent on someone apologizing to us. It doesn't matter if it was a husband, a partner, a mom, dad, a friend or a neighbor. Until he apologizes to me, until she apologizes to me, until I can heal... Well, it doesn't work like that actually. You are allowed to heal even if someone doesn't understand what you are healing. You are allowed to heal even if someone doesn't apologize to you or even claims that there is nothing to apologize for. You are allowed to heal even if someone doesn't understand what the hell you are doing.

Jak długo moja matka ma takie zachowania. Jak długo ja nie mogę lecieć. As long as my dad has such a behavior, as long as I can't heal. Well, no, you heal in your own agency and your mom, your dad may never change. Does it mean that you can't heal? This is a surreal thought. An abstract thought. In a relationship, the dynamic of the relationship are created by two people. So when you work with each other and you change the dynamic of the relationship from your level, it changes the dynamic of the whole relationship. So no, you don't have to wait for your mom. My dears, I would like to end this episode of the podcast with